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Eagles In America II
20 most recent entries

Date:2015-04-28 11:18
Subject:Humans
Security:Public

Living on a fuzzy crust
Grownin on a hot rock
And made of it, too.

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Date:2015-04-16 21:04
Subject:Two dead Robins in the road outside 911 Wealthy, Grand Rapids
Security:Public

I have never liked that awkward, embarrassed feeling that sweeps over, internally
From the gut and thighs,
Up
Infecting/interrupting
Because of a song you heard,
Or tried to write, and figuring out a new machine with which to carry my voice
From gut and higher

A chirp
BENT-BACK FINGERNAILS, (shudder)
waiting for Detroit for four years.
... Still not there.
Purgatory,
When knowing life is heaven
And death the

End.

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Date:2015-03-28 10:17
Subject:
Security:Public

Do i remember 2005? Yes, that was 10 years ago, but it doesn't feel like it. But here I am typing with 2 thumbs about facebook on livejournal. Being 31. So aileen is living with us again. She's going through what we think is her first episode of psychosis. It's pretty fucked up. We've been looking at apartments in Detroit for may or june, which is exciting, but we still have loose ends to tie up here before we can really make plans come to life.

I've been growing plants, treating it like a hobby and it's been good. It's quiet and I don't have to stay in the same room the whole time. They don't need that much attention. Also, working a lot. Ha, a lot isn't that much by most people's standards. But I'm good at it and I like bartending enough, and it pays well. And I'm going to be moving soon, so the money is necessary.

Typing with two thumbs sucks, fuck this tablet for at least a few things.

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Date:2015-03-18 12:36
Subject:
Security:Public

Yo, I'm back.... anybody home?

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Date:2014-05-01 20:51
Subject:oh my, finally got my password/ISP thing figured out!
Security:Public

wish I had more time... but just as a point. sending a drink back because of the amount of vermouth in your martini makes you sound like an alki or too good for this place (so leave). 'Specially when I've been doing this longer than you've been drinkin' dem.

Also, I love LJ because I can say what I want, and all I have to worry about is what the Russian gov. thinks about what I say, which will mostly be bitching about work and maybe some poetry.

Hi everyone.

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Date:2012-11-23 15:21
Subject:Homecoming?
Security:Public
Mood: high

Holy shit, this still works. SO last night, Fiske was in town for the 12th? annual truck stop thanksgiving. We talked about bringing back LJ, something I've considered doing a few times.... but social media has seemed to worked itself into a predicable pattern that takes away a lot of the excitement about it. WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT PICTURES OF YOUR FOOD OR CAT?! OR BITCHING ON FACEBOOK ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS DEFRIENDING YOU?! PLUS YOU CAN'T REALLY SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO BECAUSE YOUR EMPLOYER MIGHT FIND IT... OR CREEPSTERS STALK YOU AND ADVERTISERS MAKE YOU FEEL UNORIGINAL/NON-UNIQUE/PREDICTABLE. IS DADBONER STILL A THING?


I've removed myself from internetting in the way I used to. We didn't take pictures at Truck Stop Thanksgiving at all. No one really cared to. We all have them in our phones now, which are connected to the internet. I noticed the old jacks in every booth, disconnected but not removed. Where truckers/travelers could call home while eating dinner to talk to loved ones or make arrangements for the next days or weeks ahead. In the shower this morning I had nostalgic feelings wash over and over me about my early education and the films/sounds/images from the 60s and 70s seemed ancient, but relatively/mythological-ly so. Now they just seem historic, outdated.

Some of my friends are so incredibly into social media. I just don't really care that much. I really just use the internet to conduct business/learn. I don't care much about all the other stuff. I'd rather be camping or hanging out with friends... I don't see technology and a human living a life as being mutually exclusive by any means, it's just that I don't see the need to integrate them. I suppose if I see/do something really interesting, I would let people know. Sherri brought in some film pictures of John at Bonooroo a few years back. They made me feel very nostalgic/comfortable.


I guess what it is is that I don't like/care about being constantly connected to the internet. I Would rather come on here to write what I actually want to write about without having to worry so much about everyone commenting on it. The potential is there, but hardly anyone I know uses LJ anymore, so it's kinda perfect. It's funny, because I also keep a physical journal... I wonder how many people still do that.


Anyway, I'm making these candied walnuts for some thanksgiving brussel sprouts for my family party on Saturday. Its Black Friday and I have the day off/plenty of weed/songs to mix and the Stones on the HiFi

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Date:2012-03-01 14:13
Subject:and then I wrote this...
Security:Public

I just got a bunch of new 60s Psych records... oh man, so sweet! Aaaaannd, last night, Evelyn and I re-watched a bunch old internet stuff... Real Ultimate Power and stuff like that. weird to think that there's a nostalgia for that kind of stuff....

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Date:2012-01-08 11:53
Subject:Eh, why not?
Security:Public

I don't sleep. Well, I don't sleep well. I can get up (normally) at the drop of a hat, though. Most nights I just toss and turn until I have to get up. Maybe I get 10-20 minutes of sleep at a time (as far as I can tell). What I should do is borrow Jef's time lapse camera and set that up for a night, get all science on the problem.

My left arm/hand have been bothering me lately. At first I thought it was the onset of carpel tunnel, but now I think I may have a pinched nerve or something. It came on rather quickly, I've stopped playing guitar for a week, but it's only dulled. I'll keep an eye on it, but I hope it goes away soon. I need that hand!

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Date:2011-12-23 18:21
Subject:Hello.
Security:Public
Mood: grateful

holy shit, it's been awhile. Since LJ has pretty much dropped off everyone's radar (if you are reading this, let me know, please. I have no idea who checks Live Journal anymore).

I have been posting here, once in a great while. usually private things I don't intend on sharing with anyone else. But for now, things seem oddly right.

and all I can think about is how I have the best friends/family on the planet, but I usually just want to be left alone. I'm trying to not feel guilty about that. I've been drinking too much lately, and sometimes I get in stupid arguments with Evelyn about meaningless things because I like to argue (or gush) when I'm drunk. Then again, it's that time of the year when all your friends/family come around and you have to make time for them. Right now, I have a weird situation where I have nothing to do. So, I'm going to smoke some weed and mess around with some oils/dye/water and my projector (something I've been toying with lately) and not think too much about anything else. Maybe listen to some Devendra Banhart.

cheers, and smile more, you look better when you do it.

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Date:2010-10-08 13:02
Subject:I Woke Up And Didn't Know How To Skate
Security:Public
Mood: awake

so i just had this dream where i was really good at skateboarding. It took place in a place where a few of my other dreams have taken place. I have these dream worlds.... there's about 5 or 6 of them. i suppose it's kinda like a video game. They're usually based on places I'm familiar with only a tiny bit in real life. It's one of those things that dreams are notorious for; something familiar being nothing like that thing, but still, you understand what it's supposed to be.

anyway, in my dream i was late for work, but it was going to take a few hours to get there and i didn't have a phone. it was almost a lucid dream (which i've been trying to do, lately), but i was too deep in sleep for it to really be one. or i was just the right amount and i couldn't do it. whatever, it was a pretty cool dream.

I haven't had good dreams in a while. this could be due to a number of things. my bed is getting pretty old and maybe it's time for a new one. i end most of my nights either drunk or stoned. i've been really focused on my awake part of life. what i mean by that is that almost before i'm totally awake, i run through the things i have to do that day. it's really annoying. I can tell it was a deep sleep because it took me a while to remember where i was, who i was and, eventually, the things i had to do today.

those things aren't so bad, i guess. i had to send out some emails, i still have to work and meet with Jake Rebh to pay him for logo stuff. Man, all this band stuff is kinda annoying. I keep getting slowed down by various forces. I understand why people work as solo artists. getting the merch and shows worked out is bad enough, but putting any real hope in the band is tough because people have their own lives.

whatever, i got stuff to do.

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Date:2010-09-29 14:04
Subject:Fall
Security:Public
Mood: calm

Summer is officially over... has been for a few weeks now. I was in this slump for a while, writing-wise. It's pretty much over now. I think a change in the season helped. People are out again, parties are going on late into the night, lots of shows. We opened for Arrah and the Ferns last night, on a tuesday. The crowd was a little thinner than I'd hoped, but it was a good show anyway.

It's weird, since I haven't updated this thing much this year, it documents random days/weeks/months in a longer period of time. What I mean is that I've actually been keeping my new years resolution, which is cool. All I asked of myself was to take the things I do more seriously, and in the process, weed out things that I don't need, or at least minimize them. And I have been. I guess I'm kind of proud of myself. I spend a lot of time thinking... an embarrassing amount, actually. But it's usually about what I need to do. It's reflective, yeah, but focused towards the future. So I don't always give myself a pat on the back for getting where I am, it's always about where I'm going. Planning, planning, planning. It's given me a sense of purpose, but it doesn't really make me feel good. It just keeps me from losing my shit. I guess some people get way into their jobs, or feeling secure, money, drugs, sex, pyramid schemes or cults to get that feeling. It doesn't make you feel good, you just need it. For me, I need structure. I don't crave chaos or drama. I kinda hate them. So no matter what I do, I'll always be this cautious person.

- But I'm coming out of that a little, by committing to a life path (if you will). Because being overly cautious, I've found, slows you down a lot. Not being able to take chances leaves you holding your dick (if you will).

so yeah, go me. Seems like my plans are working.

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Date:2010-07-22 05:23
Subject:I Still Love You, LJ.
Security:Public
Mood: high

no joke, i do... but i've been real busy living life and being real introspective on a personal level. The band is going really well... and married life is turning out to be great, and even a little freeing, which is the opposite of what our society thinks, i guess.

so that's all...

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Date:2010-04-24 13:16
Subject:The Haps
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative

believe it or not, i've tried to do this post a few times, but i keep failing. i find explaining myself less necessary lately. there's been lots to say, though.

Evelyn is really busy with school and so i've been doing things alone lately. i could call people, but i find that if i hang out with people i usually end up not doing anything productive all day. i feel like if i get just one thing done per day i've accomplished a lot. that's kinda sad. sometimes that one thing is getting high and playing guitar for a couple hours. i find this productive because i'm starting to write really great songs and the songs that i've been playing for months now are starting to sound flawless (or close to it).

Jon Clay has this problem where he wants to do something fun, but doesn't wanna take chances that it might end up annoying... which i think it really dumb, but i do the same thing, kinda. for me, i'm not too concerned if i'm annoyed, since i'm not annoyed by much. basically, i don't have any close friends like i used to. i used to hang out with my close friends. now my close friends are either married and living in the suburbs or living in chicago. or maybe i'm just feeling nostalgic for a time when life was all about partying and hanging fun. i'm really proud of where i am right now. the band is really coming together and Evelyn and i are doing great (although we hardly hang out anymore). work is fine, i may even get a pay raise. My sister had her baby, Tess is her name, (most likely) crapping and sleeping is her game. i'm not twice the uncle; cool. my brother got laid off, as did Tim and a handful of my other friends here in GR. My brother is in Traverse City and Tim is in Chicago.

i guess i feel like i wish people would want to hang out with me more, but then again, when that does happen i wish people would just leave me alone.

in the meantime, my first kiss killed herself last month. she ODed on something. i found out weeks after the fact. they scattered her ashes in the Pacific ocean. she'd moved out to the coast during high school to live with her dad, so i didn't see her too much during high school, but she came back every now and then. during my senior year, she invited me over to her house and we are jello shots and made out to Superdrag's "Regretfully Yours". She was never happy, really. i wish i could have been that person for her that made life bearable. we read poetry to each other one night, near the baseball diamonds behind St. Mary Magdalene. she helped me be OK with it when i found out my dad was a loser. she was my first kiss and one of my first female friends. i feel OK with her wanting to be done with it all. i mean, she just didn't know how to be happy, and sometimes whatever it takes is something huge; seemingly too big. i guess that was life for her, so if she found peace in death... if she had had enough by 25, i'm OK with that. it bothers me, but i think, for her, her life was more sad than the way she died. still, it bothers me that someone i considered a friend took her own life. i mean, i preferred her alive, even though we didn't talk much in the past 2 years.

another friend of mine tried to kill herself recently too, and that does bother me, a lot. she's a lot younger than Ana and so it's not because her life is horrible and she's tried different things to make it better that just don't work... with her, it's not a solution to a problem, it's an easy way out. In a way, you have to really earn suicide, i think. or rather, you have to exhaust options. maybe i'm being to easy about Ana being gone. it's not Ok and it's not alright. but, i know she really tried to be happy and find peace. moving to Cali, the drugs, the college classes in philosophy and psychology. she was trying to understand herself and maybe in the process really found that she hated what and where she was. i believe that suicide is an option, but it's the last one, after you exhaust everything else.

but these are all much headier things that i intended on writing about. which is probably why i keep getting to this point, then giving up. so, i guess, here's to finding purpose and pride and at least trying to have a good time. and i hope Ana is happy on the California coast, in a real, real big way.


http://westsidelove.livejournal.com/2002/01/17/

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Date:2010-01-25 04:47
Subject:
Security:Public

i wrote and recorded a new song: http://www.myspace.com/pistolbrides


and the lyrics are here: http://seventeendreamsofateenagewasteland.blogspot.com/

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Date:2010-01-13 13:48
Subject:You Always Start Telling The Story Without Knowing The End...
Security:Public
Mood: chipper

a lot of my friends have been having a tough time lately. and most of it can be boiled down to just not being happy with where they are in life. call it a quarter life crisis, i guess. but basically, it seems like a number of my friends are freaking out, or being really bummed out, about where they are in life and where they thought they would be? or maybe didn't think they would be? maybe their plans only went to "get through college, get a good job" or maybe just "get a good job".

having gone through something like that last year, i know nothing i could say will help, it'll just take time.

but it's made me think about it a lot in the past couple days. i mean, once your plans are fulfilled and you've reached your goals... all you can really do is set new goals. the first time is rough... right outta high school. the second time isn't really any easier just because you've done it before. in fact, it's almost harder because now you don't have someone telling you what you're supposed to do. OR, what you're supposed to do is find love, get married and have kids. personally, i think that formula is total bullshit. but, i know a lot of people who would love that to happen to them. the problem is, this is just avoiding the real problem, which is that you're not happy. but, if you're really busy, you can ignore that minor problem.

well fuck that! if ever there was something i could call a major problem, that takes the cake. i mean, feeling like your life is pointless?! that's like the worst thing, that or maybe cheating on someone or being cheated on... but we're not talking about that. feeling pointless is a huge problem. and maybe i'm boiling down what people have talked to me about into something that is so vague that it doesn't really describe their situation anymore, but oh well. everyone's situation is their own, all i can do is try to relate. all i can say is, i feel like i went through something similar last winter. and i dunno how i got over it other than crying and feeling like shit and trying to stay a little distracted. when i came out of it i had a few new things comprising me. a different view of life, a much more positive one, but also a much more delicate one that require a lot more attention.

for example, i can't just go out and party all the time. in fact, i don't even want to. i figured i needed to start doing things in my life a little more deliberately. even the meaningless things, like going out drinking or smoking weed. mostly because those things, along with a few other things, didn't get me off anymore. at least not alone. i mean, if those things are the focal point of your life, and your job and education (formal or not) are just things to do in the meantime, maybe you shouldn't be looking to them to do anything for you on a deeper level. what i mean is, if a job is just for money or status or power and education is just for security, when do those things make you happy? i don't think they ever do. does anyone ever look up to those who live a financially beneficial life, full of security and unhappiness?

personally, i would rather be unsuccessful (by society's standards, not my own), poor and excited by life. life is what you make it. and not to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but isn't it odd that in a capitalist system like ours, the emphasis is on security and success in a capitalistic system? i wasn't a capitalist when i was born. i was born a blank slate, as everyone every where is. the undertones of what's important in our society make our society work. which is why we do things we don't wanna do, things that don't make us happy. but to get through those things we need distractions to make it tolerable. and when you're out of college with a good job, or whatever the situation, you suddenly don't need those distractions anymore because you're told you've arrived... problem is, you haven't arrived at your end, per say. you've arrived at an end that's beneficial to the society as a whole. if i felt connected to our society, that would be great. but i don't. mainly because it doesn't honor the things i love doing.

following the typical path for a westerner (american or simply 'mid') doesn't really put an emphasis on personal happiness. you're expected to find that for yourself. hopefully, the things that make you happy are not in conflict with the things that make you successful and secure. but generally they do... unless you're a true capitalist. thing is, we're not born capitalists, we're born to piece ourselves together. and my pieces don't fit in perfectly with a capitalistic society.

Being OK with that was tough for me. it means i'm putting myself into a place where i have no standard life path. i have to come up with that for myself. so i've spent the last year re-educating myself about a life other than high school-college-good job-marriage-home ownership-father-grandfather-retiree-corpse. so far, this is what i got:

obviously, i can't change what happened in the past, so i'll ignore that. the "good job" is probably not gonna happen. not if i wanna do the things that i really wanna do. it wouldn't offer me enough time, at least not with the life i live right now. Marriage works great for me with Evelyn. i can't imagine what it would be like in any other situation, so i take that as blessing or good fortune or whatever that i met her. not looking to buy a house anytime soon... although i would love to have a lot more room, but not at the cost of getting a "good job". i don't want kids, at least not any time in the near future, and Evelyn doesn't want any at all, which i'm OK with, i got my own shit to worry about anyway. i probably won't be able to retire in the typical sense, well alright, who knows if i'll even live that long, right? i'll save what i can, which won't be much.

that's what i have so far. i wanted to keep it pretty vague so that it's flexable. but now that i've come to terms with it, i don't have to worry about doing this or that by the time i'm 30, or 40, or 50... i can just do what i want to do and feel good about it. so, this past year, i've been spending lots of time at home, writing songs, learning about music and love and life and it's way better for me than focusing on high school-college-good job-marriage-home ownership-father-grandfather-retiree-corpse. hopefully i can avoid a midlife crisis, but i'm not betting on it.

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Date:2010-01-07 02:46
Subject:The Same Story, Twice
Security:Public
Mood: drunk

OH SHIIIIIIT, I'M HAVIN' A RICE DREAM!


so i went to NOLA, and it was great. i didn't wanna leave, but now i'm home. it's alright, i guess.


BattleStation looks so much bigger.

my new years resolution:

be more real, time to take myself seriously.



ROCK


FUCKIN'


STEADY

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Date:2009-12-19 06:12
Subject:How Much Of The Tree Blows In The Wind?
Security:Public
Mood: blank

it's been 3 years since Jacob died. well, technically 3 years and a day, but i don't live by "normal" 24 hour increments right now. it wasn't a sad day, really. i mean, i did tear up a bit on the air when i played Daisies of the Galaxy last night (Jacob and i had a conversation about that song, although i don't really remember what was said other than that he really liked the song, and so did i). mostly, today has been full of me thinking about Jacob, which isn't a sad thing in and of itself. in fact, i've been pretty happy all day. i attribute this to a number of things:

1) i wrote a new song today, and i'm pretty proud of it
2) i finally got to really play my new guitar and i love it lots
3) i got a new guitar a few days ago
4) Evelyn got the new Bill Callahan record, and i've been listening to that all night
5) i've been pretty stoned/drunk for a good chunk of the day

but i didn't drink and smoke because i felt sad or unhappy. i'm not sad about Jacob because i've come to terms with his death. i think, at least. now it's just a dull sting, an obvious blemish on my otherwise blessed life. and i'm OK with that. i have less shit than most people in their lives, i think. still, in a world so over-populated, i wish that that one more person was still around.

it's weird, because i think that in his death he's had more of an impact of my life than if he hadn't died. and i don't mean any disrespect, it's just that his death caused me to really think about life, more than anything else that's ever happened to/around me. i'll never forget him, he's a bigger and more real part of my life than most people.

there's a lot more i want to say, but i don't know how to put it into words.

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Date:2009-12-14 23:17
Subject:... Life, Actually
Security:Public
Mood: mellow

i feel like i've been busy living life... but i can't really say doing what. i've had a decent amount of time off from work, seen a lot of people that i miss, read a couple books, listening to lots of jazz, wrote some songs, gone on road trips and smoked probably too much weed. basically, my life is pretty sweet lately.

but, i've been neglecting my alone time a little bit. all my time off has been filled with doing things, being preoccupied. i don't really like being so preoccupied. then again, it keeps me preoccupied and therefor somewhat happier.

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Date:2009-11-26 13:54
Subject:In The Air
Security:Public
Mood: good

i woke up from the most amazing dream with a feeling i haven't felt in a long time... or maybe ever. i felt the way i felt when i was a kid, then again, i dunno if i really felt that way as a kid. i probably just went about my business... and i didn't listen to grizzly bear or do most of the other things i did in my dream... but i did ride my bike a lot.

anyway, i gotta go eat a bunch of stuff and hang out with people i haven't seen in a while.

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Date:2009-11-14 16:23
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood:bummed

i've been a little "off" lately. i've been trying to get this song down. there's something missing. and i think it's starting to really bother me, or something. everyone at work keeps telling me i'm very "grumpy", i just am not very happy near the end of the night. it's true. but seriously, and i know i'm in customer service, i doubt anyone looks overjoyed while they're at work. most people probably have no expression at all, i figure. but it gets really smokey in there and my contacts are really old, so i probably squint a lot. and after a night of trying to reason with, basically, mentally disabled people (who are really mentally disabled) gets really old. cleaning up puke every night gets really old. people trying to talk their way out of getting kicked out or having to show their ID is getting really old. being insulted on a nightly basis is starting to get really old.

so, yeah, i probably am in a shitty mood at the end of the night... all those things happened last night. they happen most nights.

so i went to the library and got a bunch of stuff to try and cheer me up... some new books and music. i was supposed to practice with joe and john and rei today... but joe can't, so i guess i'll just go through some stuff with Rei and John. bummer.

oh well... off to the races

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